Kids Poems!

...

December I went shopping
for presents for my friends.
I bought a bunch of knickknacks
and a lot of odds and ends.

I picked the kinds of presents
that everyone enjoys:
Computer games and candy
and a wagon-load of toys.

I brought them home and wrapped them.
I placed them near the tree,
but liked them all so much
that I unwrapped them just for me.

Would it be wrong to keep them?
I guess it just depends.
Can someone loan me money
to go shopping for my friends?

--Kenn Nesbitt

Modern Popularity

I have a half a million friends.
I'm popular. It's true!
I like them, each and every one,
and they all like me too.

I have more friends than anybody
else you've ever known.
It's nice to have so many friends.
I never feel alone.

They come from countries near and far,
from countries large and little.
Afghanistan and Zambia
and places in the middle.

From Austria to Liechtenstein,
Zimbabwe to Nepal.
My friends are from so many countries
I can't count them all.

I hope someday I'll meet my friends.
You see, we've never met.
The only way I know them all
is on the Internet.

--Kenn Nesbitt

What a Trip!

I tripped on the sheets when I got out of bed.
I tripped on my pants when I tried to get dressed.
I tripped on the stairs and I fell on my head.
I tripped on my shoelace and injured my chest.

I tripped on a crack in the sidewalk this morning.
I tripped on a curbstone while walking to school.
I tripped on a tree root without any warning.
I tripped at the park and I fell in the pool.

I tripped on my backpack. I tripped on my bike.
I tripped on my camera. I tripped on my cat.
I tripped on my train set. I tripped on my trike.
I tripped on my baseball. I tripped on my bat.

I haven't got money to go on vacations.
If I didn't trip I'd go nowhere at all.
I may never see other cities or nations,
but this way, at least, I take trips every fall.

--Kenn Nesbitt

If I Had a Dollar

If I had a dollar
I know what I'd do;
I'd go to the mall
and I'd spend it on you.

I'd shop for a shoelace,
or maybe a sock,
or maybe a ribbon,
or maybe a rock.

I'd pay for a pickle,
a pear, or a plum.
I'd get you a grape,
or a half-pack of gum.

I'd spring for some string
if the string were on sale.
I'd purchase a pinky-sized
pink plastic pail.

I'd pick up a pencil,
I'd give you a stick.
I'd buy you a bit of
a board or a brick.

I like you, I do,
but I'm sorry to say
you can't get a lot
for a dollar today.

--Kenn Nesbitt

I Eat Spaghetti with a Spoon

I eat spaghetti with a spoon.
For soup I use a fork.
I drink my soda from a bottle
stopped up with a cork.

I have a pair of chopsticks
that I use for cutting cheese,
a spatula for salads,
and a knife for eating peas.

I drink my pizza from a cup,
eat ice cream with a stick,
and when I want a glass of milk
my strainer does the trick.

I slurp salami through a straw.
I don't get too much in.
But that's the way I always stay
so fabulously thin.

--Kenn Nesbitt

It's Raining in My Bedroom

It's raining in my bedroom.
It's been this way all week.
I think the upstairs neighbor's plumbing
might have sprung a leak.
They may be on vacation.
They must be out of town.
And, all the while, my bedroom rain
continues pouring down.
My shoes have gotten soggy.
My bed is growing mold.
A pond is forming on my floor.
It's all so wet and cold,
that frogs have started spawning.
An otter wandered through
with salmon splashing upstream,
and some guy in a canoe.
Now waves are growing larger.
The weather's turning grim.
A tide is rising rapidly.
I'm glad that I can swim.
My parents called the plumber.
He's nowhere to be seen.
Does anybody know where I
can buy a submarine?

--Kenn Nesbitt

Grave Humor

Funny Epitaphs

Here lies the body of someone named Dave.
Out walking at midnight he fell in this grave.
He wouldn't be dead and he wouldn't be buried,
if only he'd turned on that flashlight he carried.


Here lies Art. He wasn't smart.
Went outside and threw a dart.
Threw it straight up in the air.
Sometimes life just isn't fair.


At the zoo, Melinda Sue,
first turned purple. Then turned blue.
How was anyone to know a
girl would try to hug a boa?


Bowling in the bowling alley
was the end for our friend Sally.
She got a strike, and that was all.
Should have let go of the ball.


This lesson learned by Earnest
will keep you safe from harm:
Elephants like peanuts.
They also like your arm.


We may never know
what happened to Flo.
She was scrubbing the bowl with a brush.
She let out a yelp
and what sounded like, "Help!"
and the last thing we heard was a flush.

--Kenn Nesbitt

The Seefood Diet

I've started on a seefood diet.
I highly recommend you try it.
You eat whatever food you see;
a grape, a crepe, a pear, a pea,
a candy cane, some bubble gum,
a piece of pie, a peach, a plum,
banana pancakes, chicken legs,
a dozen donuts, deviled eggs,
spaghetti noodles, sirloin steaks,
vanilla ice cream, birthday cakes,
a hundred pizzas, chocolate mousse,
and gallon jugs of apple juice.

The seefood diet. Just can't beat it.
Whenever you see food, you eat it.
I'm pretty sure you won't lose weight,
But, what the heck? The food is great!

--Kenn Nesbitt

My Puppy Punched Me In the Eye

A Funny Pet Poem for Kids

From the book My Hippo Has the Hiccups

My puppy punched me in the eye.
My rabbit whacked my ear.
My ferret gave a frightful cry
and roundhouse kicked my rear.

My lizard flipped me upside down.
My kitten kicked my head.
My hamster slammed me to the ground
and left me nearly dead.

So my advice? Avoid regrets;
no matter what you do,
don't ever let your family pets
take lessons in kung fu.

--Kenn Nesbitt

My Teacher Took My iPod

A Funny School Poem for Kids

From the book Revenge of the Lunch Ladies

My teacher took my iPod.
She said they had a rule;
I couldn't bring it into class
or even to the school.

She said she would return it;
I'd have it back that day.
But then she tried my headphones on
and gave a click on Play.

She looked a little startled,
but after just a while
she made sure we were occupied
and cracked a wicked smile.

Her body started swaying.
Her toes began to tap.
She started grooving in her seat
and rocking to the rap.

My teacher said she changed her mind.
She thinks it's now okay
to bring my iPod into class.
She takes it every day.

--Kenn Nesbitt

Xbox, Xbox

A Love Poem

Xbox, Xbox,
you're the one for me.
I also love my 3DS
and my Nintendo Wii.

GameCube, GameBoy,
Apple iPod Touch.
I never thought that I would ever
be in love this much.

Pac-Man, Sonic,
Mario, and Link.
Your names are etched inside my mind
in everlasting ink.

Run, jump, flip, hang,
double-jump, and climb.
That's all I want to do
with every second of my time.

This is true love.
Yes, it's plain to see.
Xbox, Xbox,
will you marry me?

--Kenn Nesbitt

All My Great Excuses

A Funny School Poem for Kids

From the book Revenge of the Lunch Ladies

I started on my homework
but my pen ran out of ink.
My hamster ate my homework.
My computer's on the blink.

I accidentally dropped it
in the soup my mom was cooking.
My brother flushed it down the toilet
when I wasn't looking.

My mother ran my homework
through the washer and the dryer.
An airplane crashed into our house.
My homework caught on fire.

Tornadoes blew my notes away.
Volcanoes struck our town.
My notes were taken hostage
by an evil killer clown.

Some aliens abducted me.
I had a shark attack.
A pirate swiped my homework
and refused to give it back.

I worked on these excuses
so darned long my teacher said,
"I think you'll find it's easier
to do the work instead."

--Kenn Nesbitt

Wayne the Stegosaurus

Meet the stegosaurus, Wayne.
He doesn't have the biggest brain.
He's long and heavy, wide and tall,
but has a brain that's extra small.

He's not the brightest dinosaur.
He thinks that one plus one is four.
He can't remember up from down.
He thinks the sky is chocolate brown.

He wears his bow tie on his tail
and likes to eat the daily mail.
When playing hide-and-seek he tries
to hide by covering his eyes.

He thinks that black is really white.
He's sure the sun comes out at night.
He thinks that water grows on trees
and when it's hot he starts to freeze.

He's happy when he's feeling ill.
He likes to dance by standing still.
And when it's time to go to bed,
he puts bananas on his head.

He thinks his name is Bob, not Wayne,
but that's what happens when your brain
(although you're big and brave and spiny)
is very, very, very tiny.

--Kenn Nesbitt

My Teacher Calls Me Sweetie Cakes

A Funny School Poem for Kids

From the book Revenge of the Lunch Ladies

My teacher calls me sweetie cakes.
My classmates think it's funny
to hear her call me angel face
or pookie bear or honey.

She calls me precious baby doll.
She calls me pumpkin pie
or doodle bug or honey bunch
or darling butterfly.

My class is so embarassing
I need to find another;
just any class at all
in which the teacher's not my mother.

--Kenn Nesbitt

My Lunch

A Funny Food Poem for Kids

From the book Revenge of the Lunch Ladies

A candy bar.
A piece of cake.
A lollipop.
A chocolate shake.

A jelly donut.
Chocolate chips.
Some gummy worms
and licorice whips.

A candy cane.
A lemon drop.
Some bubblegum
and soda pop.

Vanilla wafers.
Cherry punch.
My mom slept in
while I made lunch.

--Kenn Nesbitt

Swimming Ool

A Funny Swimming Pool Poem for Kids

From the book The Aliens Have Landed at Our School!

Swimming in the swimming pool
is where I like to "B,"
wearing underwater goggles
so that I can "C."
Yesterday, before I swam,
I drank a cup of "T."
Now the pool is just an "ool"
because I took a "P."

--Kenn Nesbitt

My Mother Said to Do My Chores

My mother said to do my chores,
to dust the shelves and mop the floors,
and wipe the walls and wind the clocks,
and scoop the kitty's litter box,
and walk the dog and feed the fishes,
and wash and dry the dirty dishes,
and clean my room and take a bath,
and read a book and do my math,
and pick up all my Lego blocks,
and put away my shoes and socks,
and hang my shirts and fold my pants,
and water all the potted plants,
and organize my toys and games,
and straighten up the picture frames,
and polish all the silverware,
and brush my teeth and comb my hair,
and rake the leaves and mow the lawn,
and on and on and on and on.

She said I'll get to have some fun
as soon as all my chores are done.

With all the chores I have to do
until my mother says I'm through,
like study for an hour or two
the names of places in Peru,
and peel potatoes and stir the stew,
and fix a vase with crazy glue,
and practice tuba till I'm blue,
and scrub the tub and toilet too,
and sweep the chimney and the flue,
and wash the dog with pet shampoo,
and pick up piles of puppy poo...

It looks like I'll be ninety three
before I get to watch TV.

--Kenn Nesbitt

Please Don't Read This Poem

From the book The Armpit of Doom

Please don't read this poem.
It's only meant for me.
That's it. Just move along now.
There's nothing here to see.

Besides, I'm sure you'd rather
just go outside and play.
So put the poem down now
and slowly back away.

Hey, why are you still reading?
That isn't very nice.
I've asked you once politely.
Don't make me ask you twice.

I'm telling you, it's private.
Do not read one more line.
Hey! That's one more. Now stop it.
This isn't yours; it's mine.

You're not allowed to read this.
You really have to stop.
If you don't quit this instant,
I swear I'll call a cop.

He'll drag you off in handcuffs.
He'll lock you up in jail,
and leave you there forever
until you're old and frail.

Your friends will all forget you.
You won't be even missed.
Your family, too, will likely
forget that you exist.

And all because you read this
instead of having fun.
It's too late now, amigo;
the poem's nearly done.

There's only one solution.
Here's what you'll have to do:
Tell all your friends and family
they shouldn't read it too.

--Kenn Nesbitt

I Taught My Cat to Clean My Room

A Funny Cat Poem for Kids

From the book My Hippo Has the Hiccups

I taught my cat to clean my room,
to use a bucket, brush and broom,
to dust my clock and picture frames,
and pick up all my toys and games.

He puts my pants and shirts away,
and makes my bed, and I would say
it seems to me it's only fair
he puts away my underwear.

In fact, I think he's got it made.
I'm not as happy with our trade.
He may pick up my shoes and socks,
but I clean out his litterbox.

--Kenn Nesbitt

My Dog Lives On the Sofa

A Funny Dog Poem for Kids

My dog lives on the sofa.
That's where he wants to be.
He likes to sit there night and day
and watch what's on TV.
He surfs the channels constantly
by chewing the remote,
then watches what he wants to watch;
I never get a vote.
He's fond of films with animals.
He takes in nature shows.
Whenever cat cartoons come on
he always watches those.
He loves the pet commercials too,
and anything with food.
Whenever there's a tennis match
he nearly comes unglued.
I got him from the dog pound.
He didn't cost a cent.
I asked them for a "watch dog,"
but this isn't what I meant.

--Kenn Nesbitt

Welcome Back to School

A Funny School Poem for Kids

From the book Revenge of the Lunch Ladies

"Dear students, the summer has ended.
The school year at last has begun.
But this year is totally different.
I promise we'll only have fun.

"We won't study any mathematics,
and recess will last all day long.
Instead of the pledge of allegiance,
we'll belt out a rock-and-roll song.

"We'll only play games in the classroom.
You're welcome to bring in your toys.
It's okay to run in the hallways.
It's great if you make lots of noise.

"For homework, you'll play your Nintendo.
You'll have to watch lots of T.V.
For field trips we'll go to the movies
and get lots of candy for free.

"The lunchroom will only serve chocolate
and triple fudge sundaes supreme."
Yes, that's what I heard from my teacher
before I woke up from my dream.

--Kenn Nesbitt